I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
