I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
