we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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