apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
