90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize