So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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