I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
