My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
