But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
