If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize