every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The uberlube is also flammable
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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