But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
actually, I'm a sock model
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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