If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
