Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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