Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
