I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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