I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
