I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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