Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize