I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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