I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
