This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
