we made out on top of his cat.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
