If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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