i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
