There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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