hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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