I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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