She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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