after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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