I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
