i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
