she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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