he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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