I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
now i know why i became what i already was.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize