You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
