EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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