I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
