She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
