She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
