Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
