i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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