I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
