The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
