Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He better not be in your backpack
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
