I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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