I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
