Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
