Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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