I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
