You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
