yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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