I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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