if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he thought i was a dude.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
