The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
