so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
