Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
