I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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