how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
