omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
