i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize