sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize