I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
