The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
