Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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