she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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