I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
