so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
