i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize