my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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