I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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