if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Less talking, more tequila
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
