I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize