in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize